I've never really prayed.

My relationship with God has always been more of an acquaintence between equals. When I speak with God, we converse, I don't pray. We communicate on an intellectual level, or an emotional one, but always as equals. I don't come thanking him for what he has given me, or asking him to give me something, the way you normally would when praying, and I don't speak through Jesus, the way you're supposed to. I talk to him about my life, and my thoughts and my ideas, and I ask him about his own, the way I would any other person, god, human, cat, demon, what-have-you.

I used to talk to God all the time. It was rather constant. And there's a reason for this.

I do believe in the existence of God. I've explained this before.

But I'm not at all religious. My mother, however, is very religious, and always has been. My father as well, although he's more religious now than he ever was before (he went through some stuff and blames God for getting him through it). So, because of this influence during my childhood, my early development years, I strongly considered God and Christianity. Being intelligent and rather independent however (as my parents taught me to be), I didn't just immediately join the fray as a practicing Christian. I approached God, and for a long time I strongly considered Christianity. So it's important to understand that when I bash religion in general and Christianity in particular, it's not because I don't know what I'm talking about. I've read the Bible, I've attended Church, I even worked at a church day care center for a while and read bible stories to the kids. I admit, I never approached God in the proper manner, with head bowed. From what I learned of him, I just never felt it was the proper way. However, though I tried, for my parent's sake, and because I wanted to know for sure, I just could never be religious.

I don't worship my computer, I don't worship the television, or any particular product or corporation. I have no addictions. I don't smoke, and I've even gone long periods without reading just cause i didn't feel like it. In all the readily obvious ways, all the ways a psychiatrist or psychologist would measure, I am the most well adjusted, mentally and socially healthy person in the world. It shouldn't be possible to be as well adjusted as I am, but I am.

But I've never, ever, really prayed.

No, that's not true. I gave God a chance once. One time, I prayed to him, with my entire heart and soul, I prayed for a chance for things to work out between me and Elizabeth. I didn't want him to do it for me, although, if I'm being perfectly honest, had he done so, I would have accepted it an not batted an eye. All I wanted was a chance, and he failed to come through.

This didn't destroy my faith. My faith held tight. It did strain our friendship (if you can call it that) a little, but I let it go, it doesn't bother me now. And then I wasn't exactly thinking completely straight, so it's understandable that my reactions were a little skewed at the time.

No matter, the point is, I never really prayed. But I've been watching George Carlin tonight (or this morning, for those of you who don't get the time thing), and I've decided I'm going to start praying to him. It probably won't be very effective, but then, praying to God isn't the most effective thing in the universe either. And hey, he prays to Joe Pesci, so I think it'll work out fine. He'll pray to Joe, I'll pray to him, then you'll pray to me, and someone else'll pray to you. We can keep this going in a damn near endless chain. Well, decently long anyway.

The problem with praying is figuring out what it is I want.

---

This isn't something I usually think about, but after some reading, and of course the watching of George Carlin, I've been thinking about what is wrong with this world.

Before that, something that pisses me off. On this planet they say that every 8 minutes someone is killed. Or was it every 8 seconds? Either way, that's pretty damn often. I mean, every 8 minutes. That's 180 people a day. If it's every 8 seconds, that 60 times tht many, or 10,800 people a day. And that's just violent deaths, murders, that doesn't count deaths by natural causes, such as accidents, starvation, wrath of god and holy wars. Eleven thousand people killed every single day, and most of those are in the United States. Now, the United States doesn't have as many people in it as, say, India. And yet I can name over 200 people I know personally who have never, ever, in their entire lives been killed, or even violently attacked. Oh, sure, I know some people who have been violently attacked, but I know more who have't. I just don't think these figures are realistic. I mean, you'd think I'd be dead by now.

But that's ot what I originally started talking about. The topic is what's wrong with the world. The answer is simple really, no one is really sure who they are, and no one really wants to be themself. Conformity isn't a result, it's a choice, and too many people make it. I don't see why anyone would like to be like anyone else.

No, not true, I can understand why some people would want to be like some other people. But I don't understand how someone can feel it's more important to subsume their entire personality just to fit in than it is to really know yourself.

The problem is, you can't deny who you are. Who you are is determined by your genetic potential, and what that potential is crafted into while you grow, as well as the choices you make on how you wish to live your life. If the potential doesn't exist when you're born, then you have no chance at it. Now this is not meant to discourage people. I mean, have you ever looked at DNA and genetic coding? That's an awful lot of potential for any one person, and it's not all in the same direction. Having the potential to be a worthless bum doesn't mean you don't have the potentail to be the next prophet of God. No, what potential you are born with limits you, but those are pretty damn spare limits, with more than enough room for manueverability. Which brings us to upbrining and choices.

In the end, all this makes you who you are. The problem is, you then try to be someone else, but like I said before, you can't deny who you truly are. Your mind, heart, and spirit respond the way you have trained them to, that's what growing up is. And it's not that you were conditioned by your environment. The only one who can really condition you is, you, by the decisions you make. So, all this time, you're trying to be someone or soemthing else, and the real you is fighting to get out. And it does, cause fighting yourself is a losing battle, no matter which way you look at it. It's because of this that we have such high instances in this country of rape, guilt, murder, insanity, stress, stupidity and incompetence. If you spend your entire life attempting to repress who you are, then when you finally get out, you have to expect to be a little warped.

Other countries are a little better, countries like China and the African nations, where poverty and hunger and other pressing physical concerns make fitting in a little less important. They repress themselves less because they don't have time to bother with it, so they end up with less of the 'social ill' we have in our society. In other countries, like the European nations, they've had thousands of years to live with each other and learn what's going on, and realize that repressing themselves is an all around bad idea. It doesn't mean they don't do it. They have taboos and restrictions just lilke we do here, it's just that America seems to have more than anywhere else in the world, which is sad when you think about the whole idea behind America in the first place. A new continent where you're free to think the way you want, believe the way you want, and be who and what you truly wish to be. Somehow we lost that along the way.

And the only way to fix it is to start with our children. It's too late for anyone over the age of thrity who hasn't already figured it out. There's really no help for them unless they can come to terms with themselves, which they have to do in their own time.

But children, children only know what you tell them. The very first thing a parent should do once their child is old enough to understand the idea is teach their child that not only do they not know everything, but that, in all honesty, their child cannot trust everything they say to be true. Everything you tell them will be in what you believe to be their best interest, but lying is often in a person's best iterest, and you, as a human being, are prone to make mistakes.

Children should learn to consider everything they hear, and learn to separate fact from opinion, and fact from belief, and belief from opinion. Learn what facts are facts only because everyone agrees they are facts (like everything in math, and in fact the entire construct of language), and what facts are no matter what anyone says (like what happens when you mix bleach and baking soda, it's going to happen every single time, that's science).

Children should learn to make their own decisions, and most of all, they should learn that just because someone, even your mother or father, doesn't like what you're doing, doesn't mean it's wrong. If you think it's right, then the best thing you can do is try to explain why you think it's right to others, and if they won't agree, try not to rub it in their nose.

The good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

recent...
2000-12-08 - Some Stuff
2000-12-07 - This is easily my most useless entry to date.
2000-12-05 - The reason I'm so tired.
2000-12-02 - A few ideas.
2000-12-01 - I hate you guys.