Have you heard of Melanie Rawn? She's one of my favorite authors. She wrote what is definitely one of my favorite series of novels. Two series, actually, two trilogies taking place on the same world.
I'm not reading any of those. I read all those over the last few months or so. Now I'm reading a completely different series by her. It's very good, so I'm reading it.
Caz has also complained about how I haven't read a book I haven't read before in so long. And he's right. I've been trying to read my favorite books in the hopes that it'll spark something, bring some of the life back.
It didn't work.
I didn't cry when Rohan died, not this time. That was the first time, and only time actually, when I ever cried because of any book or film or artwork of any kind.
I consider sex a work of art :) When done properly, of course. But it has never moved me to tears.
Of course, there's still time.
I like her new books, Exiles. For one thing, it takes place in a female dominant society.
That isn't why I like it. I have no wish to be dominated, although I tend to favor dominant women. Not because I wish to be dominated, but because it's no fun to dominate someone to whom submission is natural. Where's the excitement in that?
But I like it because...well, have you ever read a book with a female dominant society? They all suck total ass. They have the women as large, burly, commanding. The women rule because they have more power of magic, or more strength of body, or something like that.
Which is ridiculous and highly unrealistic.
Why do you think our society is male dominant? Is it because the men were stronger in the past, and it just continued on that way, despite the evolution of women and deevolution of men?
Stop being silly. Of course not.
The fact of the matter is, women and men are pretty much perfectly equal to each other.
Not the same mind you. The idea that anything a man can do a woman can do is ridiculous.
Although, anything a man can do, there's probably a woman somewhere or somewhen who can do it as well, or better. You have to allow for infinite variation.
So, men and women are equal, but not the same. There are intrisnic differences, in mind and heart and body and spirt and soul (why do I separate spirit and soul, why do I actually separate heart despite my scientific bent of mind...you'll just have to wait for another diary entry for that one), but that doesn't make one any less than the other. Just different. Evenly matched, whether it be in concert or opposition. That is what makes gender relationships worth the effort.
Which is not to say all men are created equal. That's blatantly false. Some people are less than others. And sometimes, those lesser are females and the greater are males, but that doesn't mean there aren't lesser males and greater females out there.
So, equal in general, not necessarily in fact. Certainly I don't admit to having any woman who is my equal, but then, I don't admit to having any man as my equal. At least, not on the whole. In certain cases, in certain areas, I admit equals, even superiors, but in completeness, the way all our qualities of the five divisions of self come together to form a complete person, none is superior to me.
Well, that I've ever met or heard of. But the universe has time. It may even top me eventually.
So, how does one gender end up superior to another? Or one race even? Since, being all the same species, we are basically equal?
Pure chance. Chance of situation, belief, culture. And that is why I like these books. In most books, men are weak, and take on all the stereotypical characteristics of the weak willed woman who needs a man to care for her. Not in Melanie Rawn's books. Men are still taller and stronger in general, and all the masculine traits are still associated with them, however, the female ability to give birth, backed by the belief that only females can truly create, gives a female dominant society. Just as men now dominate more by culture than by strength, so to do women in these books. Oh, there are differences. In this world, the men are the ones who knit, who take care of the children, and who aren't expected to excel at business or politics (although when they do, they are especially cherished)...and another thing, I mean, if you're going to go through all the trouble of acting as if one gender is superior to the other, what possible stupidity dictates that the inferior gender teaches the children?
So, while I myself would not appreciate a female dominant society at all, I can appreciate the proper representation of it, without any sort of ridiculous bias, or actual belief that one gender is any less than any other.
I believe in true equalility when it comes to things like race, gender, nationality. Of course, I will never stop seeing myself as superior to the greater majority of the populace, and therefore would have no compunction whatsoever at holding exalted position based purely on my superiority.
So you see. I owe a lot to Melanie Rawn. Not because of Exiles. But because of Dragon Prince and Dragon Star. Not just to her of course. The people of the world, and authors I've only read and authors I've known, I owe them much as well.
But mostly, it was all me. I guess I'm just special that way.
I know some of you might object to my overwhelming arrogance, but look at it this way. If you were not only sure that you were one of the greatest beings in the universe, but had constant proof of it as well, you'd be prone to intense bouts of arrogance as well.
Anyway...
I can tell you why I'm a good writer. Why I'm an excellent writer.
It isn't setting. If you've ever read Roger Zelazny's Amber Chronicles, you know he has a positive flair for describing settings. Not me. In fact, as a writer, that is surely my weakest point.
It isn't my ability to come up with intersting plots. I can, but I'm not first and foremost a mystery writer. Although if I put my mind to it I can even outstrip the greats like George Lucas and David Lynch, but that isn't my greatest strength.
It isn't even my ability to weave an interesting tale, although I'm quite good at that as well. I can make even the most mundane plot captivating, although I don't subscribe to mundane plots much anyway.
No. My greatest strength is my characterization. Perhaps you saw it in my writing as Ari and Spelldemon. Nothing any of them expressed was anything like my own opinions. I do not build my characters from my own personality. Each of them has their own personality, their own life, their own history, their own reactions. Each of them is very different. I have my evil side, but Ari is nothing like my evil side. For me, evil is something of a mental abstract. There can be enjoyable parts, but it isn't my nature to indulge my evil anymore than it is to indulge my good. Ari...I can't tell you her story, not yet. I'm saving it for the right time. But she is evil. Totally and completely.
That does not mean she does not possess compassion, or the ability to love, or other emotions that are associated with good. That is a common mistake. Emotions are neither good nor evil, they are personal. No, if she lacked those emotions, she would never have been the terror of the universe as she was for such a long time. No, it was her very ability to feel compassion for those she destroyed, and to, in fact, use that compassion to further destory them, that made her truly frightening.
It was not that she lacked anything that truly good people lacked, it was just that everything she thought, everything she felt, everything she was, was turned to evil.
Notice I say was? There is a reason. Were she a purely fictional character, I would say is, for though, by my timeline she is dead, she is only a character. Character's can't die.
But you see, that is my strength. This is where my life's work has helped me. All my life I have studied people, and quickly I came to understand them. So well that I can, in fact, create people. There is not a psychologist, psychotherapist, psychoanalyst or psychiatrist alive who understands people better than I do. I don't know if there ever has been one, although maybe Jung or Freud...but unlikely. Of course, I had what they'd already done to work from, although I understood people perfectly and clearly before I ever learned any of their theories.
Sometimes, I was actually surprised when I discovered that on some counts, they were right.
Most people who've come since then...sad really. I suppose it's unfortunate I don't want to be a psychologist. I could advance the science so much, but it really isn't what I want to do, not professionally. Privately now... :)
Which is not to say that all my characters live and breathe. It takes a lot of effort to build a life, a lot of thought. It takes a lot to ensure that they are completely different, separate, in and of themselves, to know how they will act, how they will react, to know them as well as I know myself.
And so I cry.
I cried at Rohan's death, because he was real to me, the first time any character other than one of my own had ever been. I shared his dreams and saw him as a kindred spirit. This helped me to understand a very important part of being an author...more, of being a creator.
My characters after this were more alive, because I put more effort into making them alive. I have them stored on my computer, stats, a short history, appearance, talents and skills, that sort of thing. But when I think of them, they have beiliefs and feelings, and full histories and lives, and likes and dislikes and hopes and fears, just like any of you.
I've built my own universe. Populated it with my own creations, built up institutions, and a coherent system of reality, and working magic and science, and it all fits, and it isn't perfect, but if it were it wouldn't be real, although perfection exists, for that too is a part of existence, and none of you may ever see it.
If I do become a writer, I will be a great one.
If I don't, I can't help attempting to reconcile my universe, which may be nothing more than a fantasy, with the real universe. It's surprisingly easy. My insistence on realism, even in the midst of fantasy is the culprit.
Of course, on a higher level, I hope that I'm right. If I am...well, it means a lot of things. At least Ari is dead, so there's no danger in being right about her. Not much, anyway. And power. Potential. Not specifically for me. It also means that somewhere out there, truly exciting and interesting things are going on.
Just like they are down here.
Too bad it's all wasted on me.
"I have debated whether or not I want to put this into words. It's my most painful memory, ever. And still so fresh. I don't expect anyone else to ever read these words, to ever know what I've done, what I am. But putting it into print makes it seem so...final. I keep this record to boost my overtaxed memory, but right now, I'm not sure whether I want to remember this...or forget it ever happened.
No. I don't want to remember. I have to remember, though. I don't think I could forget it if I tried. Memory will keep me from ever losing perspective again."
���������������--CQ, prologue entry to a "lost" section of his personal diary
recent...
2000-10-02 - More praise for my ever impressive talent.
2000-09-29 - I don't know.
2000-09-28 - The one where I don't know if I'm dying or just going insane.
2000-09-24 - Sometimes some crimes go slipping through the cracks, but my weekend was okay.
2000-09-22 - Yes, I'm still awake. No, I don't know why. No, this isn't helping.
Step Back ---/// Take a Step ///--- End of the Path