So I'm back. Well, mostly. I got a new computer. Well, to be more exact, I got an old computer that wasn't mine before, and is better than my other old computer.
However, I'm having the slightest bit of trouble, because the 'new' computer's cd-rom drive died on me. Until I get a working one, I can't purify it of all the old crap on it to move my old crap onto it.
Unlike some people my old crap is rather important old crap.
I don't know why I bother. I discovered just how little I care last night.
I hate trying to go to sleep. But sleep is the only respite I get. No thinking, so no boredom. I've even stopped lucid dreaming, cause it was beginning to get to me. Wouldn't it be wonderful to feel a little despair? Happiness would be too much to hope for, and I've never liked hope, and I suppose I'd be glad I'm no longer susceptible to it, if I cared in the least.
I will keep my diary up though, despite my online problems (I need a network card, too). I need money, but I'm not going to get a job. Or maybe I will. It's not as if it makes that much of a difference. We are each to our own nature, and my nature impels me to unpredictability, even to myself.
So I missed a few days. I won't say it'll never happen again. I coud predict the future, but why should I bother? Everything's already boring enough as it is.
So soon I'll go back to working on a program that was due today, but I don't really care about it at all. I'm just so constructed that I consider it a great wrong to let down the members of my group. If it were just my grade riding on this, I'd be home asleep right now. And I think I may actually be thinking of stealing one of the school's cd-roms, now tht I look at it.
It's amazing how I grow to care less and less everyday. The constant sreaming insanity of uselessness and boredom are beginning to drown out the music. And the music was an annoyance to begin with.
Did you know Marjorie was dreaming of horses? I do. God do I know.
At least some things can still make me smile, make me laugh. When I stop smiling, you'll know I'm completely dead, not just comatose as I've been since...April? May? June? Whenever it was. I don't remember anymore. I'll bet no one else remembers either.
Time to make wishes. Give me your wish and I'll see what I can do.
I wish something would. Use any verb you prefer there, happen, be, exist, run, it doesn't make a difference, as long as something. Something that's worth something, cause nothing I know is.
I'm less intelligent than I used to be. I grow dumber and dumber as time goes by. Not because of television. I don't space out like some people do.
Dyeeah! What do you mean, space out?
Sorry, out of diary experience there.
No, I lose more and more of my mind everyday. And I find it harder and harder to care. I can vaguely remember my youth, when I was doing complex mathematics in elementary school. If I'd been taught calculus back then, I'd've learned it in a matter of weeks. Now I can barely grasp what I do know.
And I forget so much. That used to not be a problem. I used to be able to derive these things in my head. Now I have to depend on what little I remember, and it isn't enough.
I'm glad computer science is more about research than memory or derivation. I don't know if I'm smart enough to do it anymore.
The problem isn't my ever increasing stupidity. Although maybe if I were more intellligent I could actually figure out what would be worth my time and effort and life and thought. The problem is that it doesn't really make any difference anymore.
I'm still too intelligent to out and out fail. I have to work harder to absolutely fail at something than I do to succeed at it. But I don't work hard enough to succeed. So I'm doomed to mediocrity by my own actions. Does anyone else see a problem here? I do. The problem is I don't really care. I'm not comfortable here, but, failure or success, neither is worth the effort of getting off my ass.
Tastes like chicken.
2000-09-28 - The one where I don't know if I'm dying or just going insane.
2000-09-24 - Sometimes some crimes go slipping through the cracks, but my weekend was okay.
2000-09-22 - Yes, I'm still awake. No, I don't know why. No, this isn't helping.
2000-09-21 - I've lost my way.
2000-09-21 - Today's randomness level is...
Step Back ---/// Take a Step ///--- End of the Path