I had several things planned for today's entry, but I'm too tired. I haven't been sleeping consistently the pass 3 weeks, which is normal. Except that normally, not consistently means I'm on about a 60 hour schedule where I need as much sleep as those on a 24 schedule (percentage wise), just with different timing. My sleep timing has been all off. And I was up until 9:13 working on this program for CSC 401, cause it was due yesterday, and figured I might as well manage to get it turned in. Okay, so he gave us an extension until today, but still.
I'm slipping farther and farther away.
Sometimes, it's important not to say anything. Is that time now? How would I ever know.
I have to change my music. There's got to be something that'll end this.
It's a good thing no one can see into my mind. Mostly for them. Although probably good for me since that particular impossibility has pretty much kept me alive. Considering the things I've...well...considered, I don't think I'd be nearly as popular if people could tell what I was thinking.
But it's good for them, too. For one thing, caz would go insane because marjorie keeps dreaming of horse, but I'm about to take care of that, I hope. More than that, none of you have to hear the screaming. Or have to keep up with all the things that are going on. I think I've started ignoring most of it now. That's not good. I should pay attention. What if I miss something? Something important? But how much difference would it make anyway?
The fact of the matter is, I have absolutely nothing to say at this point, I just wanted to make sure I put a diary entry in today, so I can keep up with it. If I ever stop, it may be forever before I start again. And I have to set it up to separate the months and stuff. I don't know. Sometimes it's just wrong to say anything.
Talking, thinking, dreaming, feeling...of these by choice which do we? For me thinking is involuntary. I know some people have the ability to not think. I've seen them do it. Seen them stare completely blankly, and when they say they weren't thinking about anything, I believe them. I've very rarely experienced it myself. Usually only when I'm moving, and I've never been able to do it on purpose. Even in sleep I'm certain my brain operates more heavily than is normal. I would love to stop thinking, to have peace in my head, even for just a few hours. But everytime I realize it's happened, well, realization involves thought. It's not even a vicious cycle, cause there's no cycle. Just a blank period I can't ever get to.
And I'm trying not to make too much sense here. I want to say things the way the words go down, without editing them in my mind beforehand.
I always do that. Anticipate, work scenarios in my head. I could do a pretty good job of predicting the future if I wanted to bother. I do it all the time, purely because for someone reason I can't just allow events to happen without reviewing every conceivable probability, and every inconceivable one at that. That's what most of my streams of thought are spent on. So I'm rarely surprised. Surprise isn't worth the effort it seems to require to make my brain give up. It won't, though. So I don't try.
Yes, I think I'm letting my mind get away with too much. I may have to whip it in line. Maybe if I beat my head againt walls on a more regular basis I'll degenerate into complete idiocy and never be bothered by any of this again.
Not innocence. I don't think I could ever be more innocent that I am. As much as I argue against it, I believe in absolutes, too, I just believe in considerably less absolute absolutes.
Or maybe I don't. I'll have to think about that. Maybe I'm just completely wrong. I shouldn't be, but it happens.
"Now it's over, I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want, or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do." --They Might Be Giants
recent...
2000-09-29 - I don't know.
2000-09-28 - The one where I don't know if I'm dying or just going insane.
2000-09-24 - Sometimes some crimes go slipping through the cracks, but my weekend was okay.
2000-09-22 - Yes, I'm still awake. No, I don't know why. No, this isn't helping.
2000-09-21 - I've lost my way.
Step Back ---/// Take a Step ///--- End of the Path