Did you ever get the feeling that you never really felt anything, you just faked it really well?

I get that all the time. I can't seem to get angry, or upset, or sad, or happy, or jealous or anything. I mean, I've always been an apathist, but apathy does not define someone who is incapable of emotion, it merely defines someone who is primarily unemotional, who does not react emotionally to most situations. A person with no actual emotions would be something entirely different.

Apparently, they'd be me.

Meh, it's not even the not caring, I can handle the not caring, I've been doing it a long time, but I was certain there was some real emotion around here somewhere.

It's like bits of my life are being periodically and mindlessly leeched away. Sometimes I feel giddy and cheery (almost manic, heh), but it's not so much an emotional response as it is that I'm bleeding excess energy, although where the hell I'm getting excess energy I'll never know since I'm tired all the time these days.

I mean, right now, I'm exhausted. I've done nothing much today, I got plenty of sleep and rest and all, and I'm bone tired, and I don't understand it. Maybe any energy at all is considered excess by my system, and is quickly bled away so I can return to my steady state, which is lazy (or dead, that's possible, I haven't given up on the idea that I may not actually be alive).

I've almost resolved to start working on my books again, but either I don't have the time, or I don't have the energy (and if you wonder how much energy it requires just to think and type, let me remind you that dreaming exhausts me, and there's a big energy difference between free thought and structured thought...which may be why my longer entries make so little sense).

Which makes me wonder how much longer I'm going to be working at this job. Although, to be perfectly honest, I don't know whether it's the job or just life in general that's sucking me dry.

I'm not sure how I can want so much and care so little. Sometimes I'm not sure that I want anything so much as I want anything (oh that's not cryptic).

recent...
2001-09-16 - Closing my eyes.
2001-09-15 - Countdown to D-day.
2001-09-14 - Or maybe...?
2001-09-14 - To sleep, perchance to dream.
2001-09-12 - Where I'm not making sense again.