Of course, not everyday can be a good day, but I'd be satisfied to have one a month. So far I seem to be running them about one every two months. Or maybe they happen all the time, maybe there are happy moments, and even entire happy days, that I don't remember cause the black morass of despair caots and clings to them, hiding any redeeming qualities this life might have even from my night vision (which isn't as good as I might think it is).
I almost think I'm making sense with what I say sometimes. It's not like I try. It's not like sense is the meaning I'm after. Of course, figuring out what I'm after presents yet another problem.
I obviously have a lot of problems.
Any dualistic statement can be looked at from two points of view. As might obviously be the case when you notice the use of the word 'dualistic'.
For instance (and this is really the point, so pay attention), whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Even assuming this is true (when realistically, whatever doesn't kill you makes it that much easier for the next thing to kill you), it means, looking at it from the other perspective, that the stronger you are, the more you suffer. At no point is it implied that they let up on you, not until you're dead.
I don't know what scares me more. That it will keep getting worse until I finally give in and kill myself, or that I'm too strong to ever give in, and it'll keep getting worse for the rest of eternity.
And eternity is a very long time. Don't believe me? Ask Nihil. He has to deal with eternity, too.
So I guess what I'm looking for is an up, or maybe a high, or maybe just a low that isn't quite so low.
recent...
2001-10-05 - Not quite so low.
2001-10-05 - Aimless rambling.
2001-10-03 - Help me I'm weird.
2001-10-02 - Enlightenment as habit.
2001-10-01 - Tired
Step Back ---/// Take a Step ///--- End of the Path