2004-07-11 | 7:39 a.m.|
I nearly had a panic attack earlier today. It stems from the not particularly sudden (but always been heavily in denial about) realization that there simply aren't enough of me, nor is there enough time in a human lifetime to possibly do all the things I need to do.
And I'm not even talking about reading books, reading comics, watching movies and tv shows, playing games and all that.
No, I mean, all the stuff I'm working on, that I'm creating. Fuck, even if I let go of tv shows, cartoons, webcomics, video games and movies, and just worked on tabletop rpgs, ccgs and books, even if I went back and time and started 8 years ago, I'd never have enough time to finish. There's just too much stuff in my head.
And I realized, this is the reason I never finish anything. I'm daunted by the impossibility of my ever actually accomplishing it all. Even with a horde of a assistants, and devoting all my time to it, I just don't think I'd ever be able to manage to do all of it. So I never do any of it. I start working, and bam, I'm looking at a million and one things that have to be done before I can complete this one, and each of those requires another hundred things to be done before it's complete, and each of those require twenty, and each of those requires five, and each of those requires something else....
And people bitch that God doesn't answer their prayers or grant their wishes or whatever.
Well fuck you, it's hard creating a bloody universe in the first place. And maintenance is surely a bitch. Hell, maintenance takes up about 177% of your time anyway, so you never really have time to add anything once you've got it up and running.
And that, of course is what I'm afraid of. Let's say I do get off the ground and get all this started. I'll then have to spend all my time, and then some, maintaining what's already there, while my mind will still be fighting to create new additions to make it better, faster, sleeker, and more real.
So basically, I subconsciously realize that I'll pretty much be in the same boat I already am, and I distract myself.
Why does one man need so much distraction? What's it going to take to get me to focus? And why the hell am I still like this? I expect change, and everything just stays the same...but that's another entry.
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