2003-12-07 | 5:21 a.m.|
I am currently up far too late, but I have to do this now, or it may never get done. What am I doing you ask? Maybe, just this once, I will tell you something both true and True. Maybe I'll do what I always do. I won't know until I do it, so let's just see shall we?
I am single. I have been single for a very long time. I don't like it, but I don't make an excessive effort to change it. There is one reason, and one reason alone I am still single.
I'm picky as all hell.
There are several reasons for this. One of the higher ones is my own natural arrogance and high opinion of myself. The woman for me will be more than most women, just as I am more than most men. She will be something and someone special, and nothing less is satisfactory.
It's not enough that she be pretty. It's not enough that she be intelligent. It's not enough that she be talented. It's not enough that she have skills. It's not enough that she be funny. It's not enough that she be graceful. It's not enough that she be interesting. It's not enough that she be witty. It's enough that she be artistic. It's not enough that she be creative. It's not enough that she be fun.
All this and more I seek. But that's not the only thing. Perhaps not even the biggest thing.
The problem, one of the main reasons I'm single, is Trust.
I don't trust people, I never have. It isn't that they're particulary untrustworthy or despicable. I know people too well. I know when and how a person will react to nearly any situation. And this is true of all people. So I do not trust people, or distrust them particularly, I simply become aware of the situation and respond accordingly, as all people will.
So it's not that people are untrustworthy or fickle. That does not bother me. I don't trust people because I don't need to.
At this point in my life, I can only name one person in all the world who I actually trust, and that is Danny, and I have no romantic interst in him whatsoever.
All other people I simply accept that they will be as they will be, and that is sufficient.
But for a mate, I need someone I can trust. Not in the way I suspect you imagine. To truly be with someone, I must trust them absolutely, implicitly.
I'm not talking about them cheating on me, or lying to me. I require a woman that I can lie down beside, and sleep, without worrying, without being on edge, with no concerns or agitations. A woman who, if I die in my sleep, I believe, absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, that either she failed in her efforts to protect me, or she had a sufficient reason for killing me.
I need a woman who I can trust to lie to me when it is right. Who I can trust to know when it is right to lie to me, and when the truth will be better.
I require a woman who I can trust so completely that even when she deceives me, I will kknow that there was a perfectly good and just reason for her doing so, without having to question what that reason was.
Can you, any of you, understand the kind of trust I'm talking about? A trust that never wavers, that never doubts, that never questions, not because there is no reason to do so, but simply because you trust.
Can you imagine how impossibly difficult that is to find in this day and age, in this place and time, especially for one such as myself who is not given to either trusting or distrusting his fellow man?
Love is easy. Love defies reason and manipulates will. When I love someone, I automatically trust them, as simple as that. For me, in the way that I love, that's part of what love is. The reverse is not necessarily true.
So until I can meet a person who I can truly trust, I suspect I shall remain gloriously single.
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